Piss On Week 4.17.12

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist


10. London Olympics



I know what you’re thinking. “How can the Olympics get pissed on when they don’t start for months?” It all started when the Olympic committee asked, pop star, Keith Moon of “The Who” to perform at the opening ceremonies. Only problem is that he’s been dead for 34 years.

The Olympic Committee gets pissed on for not looking this guy up on Wikipedia before sending out the invite.

9. Common




He got away with playing a basketball player in “Just Wright” but he gets pissed on for thinking that he has any shot of a baseball flick after this first pitch.


8. Lito Shepphard



Lito Sheppard and cousin Jabar Gaffney were once teammates on the Philadelphia Eagles. Allegedly Lito thought that sharing a locker room meant that he had dibs on Gaffney’s wife as well. Rumor has it that cousin Lito slept with Gaffney’s wife on their wedding day! I don’t know if this story is 100percent true are not.

But anytime your cousin accuses you of sleeping with his wife, you’ve got piss-worthy written all over you.


7. Credit Card Summary




I hate looking at my credit card summary once a month and seeing all the bullsh*t that I’m paying for. Sneakers from 2011, or a shirt I haven’t been able to find for six months. And when the hell did I buy a life size poster of Bill Cosby?

Instead of pissing on myself for buying all of this dumb stuff, I’ll just piss on the credit card companies for reminding me every 30 days.


6. Adult Bedtime



I can’t stand when adults say, “It’s past my bedtime.” Sure you want to get to sleep at a reasonable hour if you have work in the morning. But must you really hit the sack by 10:00 p.m.?

I’m pissing on any adult that thinks the world is going to come to an end if they aren’t in bed before the Eleven O’clock news.


5. University of Alabama



The University of Alabama’s championship trophy was shattered during practice this week when a player’s father accidentally knocked it to the ground. I could piss on the father for breaking a $30,000 crystal trophy.

But the urination this week goes to the school for thinking that they need to bring out their shiny toy all the damn time. Hey Bama, next time fans ask to see the trophy, put a photo of it on Instagram.


4. Larry Brown



Legendary coach Larry Brown is going to try his luck once again on the sideline. This time he’s taking his coaching talents to little known Southern Methodist University.

Coach Brown gets pissed on for not knowing when to call it quits. Hey Coach Brown, whatever you do don’t ask Iverson if he wants to play.

3. Lorenzo Neal



This former NFL player is the chief information officer of an organization that provides rides for people to drunk to drive themselves. So the question becomes why the hell didn’t he use the service when he crashed into a pole after a few drinks too many?

Lorenzo Neal gets pissed on for not using the company discount.

2. Jadakiss




All this time, who knew that Jadakiss was bald by choice? For the first time in his career we witnessed Jada rocking something other than a bald head this past week.

Although the change seems harmless, he gets pissed on for making Amber Rose the only relevant person in hip-hop with a baldie.


1. Diddy



Quamine Smith was arrested for sneaking into Diddy’s home in the Hampton’s. Not only did he hang out in the house for a day before being discovered, but he’s been doing this since 2001! I can’t piss on this guy for wanting to check out “the good life.”

But I can piss on Diddy for not having a better security system. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to always lock up before you leave for the Last Train to Paris?

Piss On Week 4.10.12

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Jennifer Lopez


There is a rumor that J. Lo is planning to marry her “new boo” Casper Smart. Now I don’t really give a damn whether or not it’s true. I’m just pissed off that J. Lo is dating a 25 year-old other than me!

Jennifer Lopez gets pissed on for not giving the Professional Rationalist any play.

9. Dame Dash


Former hip-hop mogul Dame Dash is in trouble again. This time he is being sued for $1.5 million by rapper Curren$y for releasing his music without consent.

Dame Dash gets pissed on for not realizing that he should probably call it quits with this whole rap thing. First Jay-Z. Now Curren$y. What’s next, The Chipmunks?

8. Budz House


Another bullsh*t movie about weed smokers will hit select theaterstres on April 13th. I could piss on the flick “Budz House” for being another terrible attempt at the “Friday” series.

Instead I’ll piss on the fact that they want us to think that this movie will be good when it only took them 13 days to make it.

7. Lil’ Wayne


As if being a self destructing weirdo wasn’t enough, Lil Wayne has a skateboard crew that is just as reckless. Their most recent attack took place on a cameraman who snapped photos of them skating on church property. Lil Wayne is probably going to hell for tearing up the church grounds.

But before he gets there, he’s getting pissed on for thinking he can actually skate!

6. Ebony and Joshua Rendon


The couple from MTV’s reality show “16 and Pregnant” recently had their child removed from the home by Child Protective Services for having poop on the walls. How do they get their act together? By having another baby!!

This couple gets “wet up” for not looking into a thing called birth control. No worries because I’ve got a show the two can star on. “”17 and Pissed On.”

5. Counting Money for No Reason


Have you ever seen someone standing outside counting money when you know damn well they are not about to buy anything? Then they do the same exact thing five minutes later. We get it man; you have money in your pocket!

I’m pissing on these wannabees for putting the $20 bill on the outside of a bunch of ones and thinking they are Cash Money all of a sudden.

4. Dumbass Tat


Do I really need to explain this one? Okay fine.

Pissed on for having money on his mouth instead of money on his mind.

3. Facebook


In case you have been living under a rock, Facebook recently bought the Instagram application for $1 billion. Are they really going to buy anything that smells like competition from now on?

Marc Zuckerberg gets pissed on for not just chilling out and watching the “Social Network.” He’s becoming as annoying as Tom from MySpace.

2. Bieber-mobile


Justin Bieber’s $100k car makes a Cadillac look like a hoopty. I’m not pissing on him for the high profile reflective paint job.

But he does get pissed on for grabbing a car when he can barely see over the steering wheel. Just put rims on a Power Wheels Jeep next time Bieber.

1.Mary J. Blige


My mom is going to kill me for this, but her favorite R&B singer deserves it.



When are people going to realize that shucking and jiving about chicken is only going to get you pissed on.

Piss On Week 4.2.12

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Diggy Simmons


The son of Rev. Run had a few harsh words for hip-hop artist J. Cole on a track called “What You Say to Me” that recently hit the internet. Just a coincidence that the album “leaked” the exact same week as Diggy’s album.



I’m pissing on Diggy for such a shameless publicity stunt.

9. Mega Millions


Congratulations to whoever hit the jackpot , but I’m glad this whole thing is over with. But before we close the door on $640 million, I’m pissing on anyone who bought tickets at their local gas station.

Don’t you fools know that the winning ticket is always from the suburbs?

8. Ken Malani


The CEO of Highmark Inc. was having an affair with an employee of the company. Not a big deal, right? Except for the fact that Ken barged into the house of his mistress and beat up her husband I could piss on him for fighting over a woman who technically wasn’t his.

Instead he gets “wet up” for losing his job over the entire situation.

7. Bad Tippers


Plain and simple, if you have enough money to eat out at a restaurant, you better make sure you have enough money to tip.

Otherwise you get pissed on for being cheap.

6. Wells Fargo


So I called Wells Fargo this week to get some info on my account, and do you know what one of their security questions is? “What is the exact dollar amount of your last debit card purchase?” Who the hell knows the exact amount that they used their card for to get gas three days ago?

Wells Fargo gets pissed on for asking for info that no one can remember without being the ultimate penny-pincher.

5. Nas


Hip-hop legend Nas is allegedly moving to Africa after the release of his next album to avoid paying the U.S. $6.5 million he owed in back taxes. I can’t be mad at the plan, but didn’t Nas say he was moving to Africa in 1998 in the movie “Belly?”

He gets pissed on for being a procrastinator.

4. “Hunger Games” Racism


You would think that when a movie makes $155 million its opening weekend, nothing could possibly go wrong? That wasn’t the case for the film “Hunger Games” that experienced a number of racist tweets about some of the characters being black.

I’m pissing on anyone who can’t enjoy a movie because it has black people in it. Who do you think you are, Rush Limbaugh?

3. Spike Lee


Spike Lee was so irate about the Trayvon Martin tragedy that he tweeted the address of the alleged killer, George Zimmerman. Just one problem… the address he tweeted didn’t belong to Zimmerman at all!

Spike gets pissed on for not “Doing the Right Thing.”

2. R. Kelly



R. Kelly has confirmed that the “Trapped in the Closet” series is back. The first couple of chapters were great in 2007.

But “The Pied Piper” gets a taste of his own medicine and is pissed on for not knowing when to give it a break already.

1. Follow Us!


Did you like what you saw in this week’s “Piss On?” Did we miss someone? Let us know on Twitter @31Percent

Otherwise you get pissed on for keeping your opinion to yourself.

Piss On Week 3.26.12

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Coolio & Son


Not only was Coolio arrested for two outstanding bench warrants, but he was sent to the same prison his is son is awaiting trial for allegedly working with a prostitute to rob a man of $5,000.

Coolio and his son get pissed on for their definition of a “Gangsta’s Paradise.”


9. Minnesota Privacy Invasion Case


A sixth grade girl from Minnesota is suing her school district over a search of her Facebook account conducted by school employees. She claims that her First Amendment rights of freedom of speech were violated.


I could piss on the school employees for being nosey. But instead this girl gets “wet up” for not avoiding the entire situation by changing her privacy settings.

8. Pat Robertson



Pat Robertson, the host of the religious TV show The 700 Club, mentioned on air that the Broncos treated Tim Tebow like crap and it serves the Broncos right if Manning gets hurt again. I could piss on him for his non-Christian ways and wishing harm on Manning.

Instead I’ll give him the business for thinking that anyone gives a damn about his opinion on sports. P.S. who the hell is watching his show at 6AM anyway?

7. Aladdin Motor Inn


This motel has a sign that reads, “Having an Affair?”

They get pissed on for taking your money for a room and then snitching about your activities.

6. Pocket Doorbell App



There is a new application on the iPhone that saves you 30 seconds of hassle. It calls your friends when you are outside their house.

I’m pissing on this App for being another way to waste 99 cents.

5. Bus Beatowns



Last month three teens fractured a Philadelphia bus driver’s skull. This week a 25 year-old mom spit on a bus driver and pummeled him with an umbrella because he asked her to calm down her screaming child. I hate the increase in bus fare as much as the next guy but whooping the driver’s ass is not the solution.

Anyone who gives a beatdown to a bus driver while he’s tangled up in his seatbelt gets pissed on.

4. Forgotten B-Day Girl


A mom in Texas forgot her child at Chuck E. Cheese on her birthday! How do you forget the person who is the sole reason you are hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese in the first place? I can forgive forgetting your child for a split second.

But when you don’t realize that your five- year- old is missing until the next day, you deserve to be pissed on.

3. Javaris Crittenton



Former NBA player is out on bail until his murder case goes to trial. How do you think he’s spending his time? How about refusing to sign a ticket after being pulled over for speeding in a Porsche.

Javaris gets pissed on for not realizing that he should slow down by all means.

2. Bobbi Kristina News


I’m sick of it! What’s she doing today? Is she going to change her name? For crying out loud the poor girl just lost a parent.

Anyone who doesn’t give that child some time deserves to be pissed on.

1. Geraldo Rivera


I honestly thought this was some type of sick prank when I heard it. Did Geraldo actually say that he thinks Trayvon Martin’s hoody was as responsible for his death as the man who shot him?

Geraldo and anyone else with this narrow minded belief gets pissed on for thinking that anyone deserves to be killed because of an article of clothing.

Piss on Week 2.29.12

Warning!! No one in the following post is actually being pissed on. It is simply an expression meant to describe how outrageous and unforgivable the actions of the following people really are. Anyone who finds this segment offensive automatically gives me the right and the duty to piss on them as well.

Sincerely,

Professional Rationalist

10. Sleeping on the Job


Everybody doses off on the job from time to time. But once snoring, drooling or a dream come into the equation you have to get pissed on.

9. Pat Knight


Remember the coaching days of Bobby Knight? You know the guy that through folding chairs onto the court and went off screaming whenever he had the chance too. Well it looks like his son Pat, coach of the Lamar Cardinals is up to the same thing.



He gets pissed on for proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.


8. NBA Slam Dunk Contest


I can’t be mad at the guys who competed in this year’s NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

But LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin and Andre Iguodala get “the business” for not coming off their high horse and making it a real competition.

7. Michael Nutter


The Mayor of Philadelphia was captured on camera slapping a woman’s ass at a local bowling alley this past summer. Why is this the first time you’re hearing about it? Because Mayor Nutter put the pressure on local news station not to air the footage.

Nutter gets pissed on for making news editor one of his duties as Mayor.

6. Saving of Philadelphia Catholic Schools


Before you call me an atheist, here me out. I went to Catholic School so this is no prejudice whatsoever. Four Philadelphia Catholic high schools were in danger of closing. In less than two months, $5 million was raised to keep them open. So how is it that we can’t raise half of that in a year to keep open educational programs in the inner city?

I’m pissing on anyone who donated large sums to this cause but refuses to give a dime to stop violence and poverty in the city.

5. Adele


Singing sensation Adele recently gave the middle finger to the host of the 2012 Brit Awards for cutting her acceptance speech short.


A lot of people would say the host should get the business.

But I’m choosing to piss on Adele instead for being so long winded all the time. Sorry sweetheart, but we’ve got an award show to do. Save the rest of your speech for Twitter.

4. Ben and Jerry’s


The famous ice cream company got caught up in the Jeremy Lin hype and put fortune cookies in their “Taste the Lin-Sanity” frozen yogurt. Talk about stereotypes?

Ben and Jerry’s gets pissed on for not calling it a day with the Cherry Garcia flavor.

3. Allen Iverson


In case you haven’t heard Allen Iverson was offered a deal to play soccer for the Rochester Lancers. Normally these types of things are looked at as a joke; a small market team trying to get some publicity. In this case, A.I. may really take the deal!

Allen Iverson gets pissed on for blowing so much money that he has to play soccer in order to survive. What’s next? Bull fighting?

2. Manny Pacquiao


The Pac Man is considering moving from his endorsement deal from Nike to Jordan brand. He gets pissed on for considering anything other than fighting FloydMayweather right now.

1.Marston Hefner


The son of Hugh Hefner was recently arrested for allegedly beating his , “Playmate of the Year,” girlfriend, Claire Sinclair.

Needless to say he gets “wet up” for not knowing how to play it cool with the ladies like his dad.